Last updated on July 14th, 2023 at 07:09 am
OUR CHILDREN
The entire educational process has this question as its first and radical point of reference: Who is our child?
The response is articulated in two “moments.”
On the one hand, each child is the fruit of the reciprocal love of its parents, manifested in a marvelous union – the intimate union – which constitutes the most specific act of love in marriage. On the other, more fundamental, it is the direct fruit of the infinite Love of God, who, at the very moment of procreation, confers on it the soul and, with it, the personal being.
Each child is the vital synthesis of the reciprocal love of his parents and of the infinite Love of God, who puts the soul and, with it, the personal being.
Cause of being, cause of development.
The task of educating the children must be read in the light of these principles and of the profound affirmation of Thomas Aquinas, referring precisely to the child and his education: “That which has been the cause of the emergence of a reality, must also be the cause of its development.” Born of the most intimate union of love between the spouses, in order to grow and develop, the child needs, in the first place, more than the love of the parents for him/her, the love of his/her parents for each other, the love that continues to unite them mutually and overflows for the good of the children.
In order to develop, each child needs the love that unites his parents to each other, more than the love that is directed to him.
NEVER OVERRULE THE SPOUSE
First and very clear educational consequence: parents must at all times increase the union derived from their reciprocal love and make that love and union evident to the child.
The reverse side of this principle could be expressed by saying that neither spouse should ever disown the other in front of their children: never!
Not at the time the spouse gives the indication. Even when fully convinced that the suggestion is inappropriate, a spouse should never give in to the temptation to “correct” or “disavow” the other in front of their children.
Neither should it be done alone with the son or daughter: neither in general (“you know that mom/dad often exaggerates”), nor in particular (“don’t listen to him/her, this time he/she is wrong”).
Much less should one allow oneself the unfortunate luxury of making ironic comments, in the presence or absence of the spouse: irony undermines family and marital harmony at its very root.
Ultimately, what is relevant is not who is right: the more or less correct solution has infinitely less impact on the development and education of the children than the unity that the parents show when they unconditionally confirm the position of their spouse. The concrete solution to a problem matters infinitely less than the fact that the spouses are united by love.
Positive: always with my spouse!
The obverse side of the principle is also clear: each spouse must do everything in his or her power to make his or her union and agreement with the other spouse clear to the children.
I often remember that if a son or daughter comes to ask the father for permission to do or not to do something… it is because the mother has denied it.
On a more serious note: The answer to any request from a child should come out by itself: “What did dad (or mom) tell you?”… and confirm the spouse’s position.
If we think that he/she is not right, and it is a serious matter, we will discuss it alone between us and the one who took the initiative, if he/she was wrong, will talk to the child again to warn him/her that, thanks to the other spouse, he/she has realized that he/she was in error.
But there is more… and more difficult… and it expresses greater inner refinement: Whenever, alone with a child and without the possibility of consulting with the spouse, I have to respond to a request or consultation, I will try to do so taking into account what my spouse would think and feel about it: If God has ordained that there should be two parents for each child, it is also so that the posture and manner of being of each may be tempered and mellowed – or, as the case may be, strengthened – with those of the spouse: especially, when he/she is absent.
God has arranged for each child a father and a mother, also so that the two personalities sweeten or reinforce each other. Infinitely more God’s son than our son.
The second master key, and the first in importance, is that the child – our child – is infinitely and directly more God’s child than our child. And his ultimate and definitive destiny is to enter forever into that same Love that gave him being.
If all love consists in shifting the center of gravity from oneself to the loved one, that of the parents takes the form of disappearing for the benefit of each child, except to the strict extent that they contribute to helping him or her retrace the path of return to the infinite Love from which he or she has emerged and which maintains him or her in being and in life.
My tastes, my preferences, my way of being, my temperament, my whims, my most legitimate expectations, my dreams… they count for nothing!
The only thing that matters is to help the child to discover his best qualities (those that point to that “return path”) and to acquire sufficient vigor to freely put them into play for the benefit of those around him.
Only in this way will we put it in a position to develop and be happy.
My mission as a parent is to disappear, except insofar as I can help the child to retrace the path that will make him/her an interlocutor of God’s love for all eternity.
An infinite love for the freedom of each child.
Love… infinite? For what reason?
I will limit myself to a couple of strategic reasons, so to speak.
I can make a plant grow “from the outside”, improving the environmental conditions, fertilizing it properly, watering it in the right way and in the right proportion. But I can’t grow my child “from the outside”.
The human being only develops as a person, and as a consequence is happy, to the extent that he puts his freedom at stake.
The best of actions, apart from freedom, adds nothing – absolutely nothing, NOTHING – to personal development.
Even if it involves a considerable risk, if we really want to help them, we parents are “condemned” to respect, encourage and love our children’s freedom… even when they act in a way we do not approve of.
God respects and loves their freedom… even to the point of giving His life for it.
Who are we – who am I – to make amends to God?
Without an unconditional love for the freedom of each child, any attempt to participate in his or her upbringing is either futile or detrimental.