Distinguish the three, and you will win
In order to preserve and increase marital and family harmony, it is essential to distinguish between “differences”, “limitations” and “defects”… and act accordingly.
What differences, limitations and shortcomings – of our spouse and our children, for example – often have in common is that they bother us.
- And, as they bother us, not always consciously, we tend to put all three (differences, limitations and defects) in the same bag:
- that of the defects, which we must correct, moved by love and out of love for one’s spouse or children (at least, that is what we believe).
- And we make life impossible for those around us, in our marriage and in our home as a whole, which ends up becoming a veritable battlefield.
By considering them all as defects, we feel the duty to correct them and generate tension around us.
Three different realities
Let us distinguish, then:
a) Differences
Each person is unique and unrepeatable, different from all others.
We are ourselves, but so is our spouse and each of our children.
This variety is good and contributes powerfully to the richness of the human.
That is why, even if differences often bother us, we have to love them and encourage them, because no one can develop and extract their best version of themselves if we are not fully who we are and who we are called to be.
Differences are to be loved and encouraged.
b) Limitations
They are inherent to human beings, to each and every one of us. Not all of us are good at mathematics, or literature, or sports, or music….
And so what? A limitation is the simple absence of something that is NOT essential for personal development and fulfillment.
We must be aware of our limitations (our own, our spouse’s and our children’s) in order not to ask ourselves or our children for what we cannot give, to guide ourselves and our children on another path… and to focus all our attention on the qualities that can and must be developed!
Limitations need to be known… and paid as little attention to as possible.
c) Defects
The defect is not a simple absence, but rather the deprivation of something that IS necessary for personal development.
From another perspective, a defect is something that harms the one who has it, because it also harms those around him.
Three steps, quasi-chronological, in relation to defects:
1) to love the person WITH his defects (they are an integral part of him);
2) kindly help that person to FIGHT to overcome them (to fight, but not necessarily to win, because that is not always in the hands of the sufferer);
3) feel tenderness when, struggling, they cannot be eliminated: let us not forget that, by its very nature, a defect is something very difficult to overcome, which can accompany us all our lives.
We must love people with their defects, help them to fight against them and feel tenderness if, struggling, they do not succeed in overcoming them.
Worthwhile
If we do not learn to distinguish between differences, limitations and defects, we will turn our marriage and our home into a battlefield, a kind of hell, where it will be very difficult to live, to be together, to love each other, to develop… and to be happy!
And this is a real shame because, without too much effort, by putting our heads and hearts into it, and dedicating some time to calm reflection, we could radically change this panorama.
Distinguishing between differences, limitations and shortcomings is not difficult… and can significantly improve the harmony of our marriage and our family.